Can We Talk 2

A Life Changes

         My dear father has passed at age 92. He suffered a lot the last month, but in the end, he passed peacefully. Now I have so much work with the funeral home, the insurance, the cemetery, family and friends, banking, etc. I not only lost my father, but the person I live with, and the person for whom I physically cared.

         I'm in for major adjustments. It will be lonely not having another person in the house. I won't need to change his bed or wake him up to get ready for bed. I cooked for him. I have no incentive to make a hot meal just for me. I can come and go as I please. You would think that would make me happy and feel free. It feels weird and makes me sad.

         I didn't mind taking care of him. I would have done it longer. I wasn't ready to let him go. I'm also worried about my future. I'll be okay for about six months, but then who knows?

         There's the grief, the loss, the fear of the future, the loneliness, but also guilt. What could have I done differently. Was I too impatient when he was in the hospital trying to rip off his leads, oxygen, and his catheter? Did I get an edge to my voice when I tried to stop him from getting out of bed? Could I have done something else to relieve his discomfort? Probably, but I'll never know for sure. I loved him. He was a good man, and now there is a hole in my heart and in my life.