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 |  "All books are either dreams or swords." |
| Love - a four letter word that can mean so many things. A little phrase that can bring down the mightiest of nations, stop the flow of time, send the heart racing and the blood pumping, and bring joy, euphoria, heartache, despair, happiness, sadness, and billions of other emotions yet to be tapped into. I'm getting personal here, something of which I vowed not to do, but that's what usually happens when you promise something like that. At least for me. What is an author but a person who simply bleeds out on a page. *stares at the last sentence with disgust and tosses the page over my shoulder* I am in love. It is a state of affairs that happened completely by surprise. Its was like a thief in the night and before I could even realize what was happening, my heart was taken. I grinned like a fool that first month, the complications of our relationship truly lost in the haze of new love. I'd never experienced this before. He was new, the experience was new, everything was new. And I couldn't be more happy. But life always jumps in to complicate things. We have a long distance thing going on. Our hours together on the phone are the most precious to me even though its limited to a six hour window of time each night. It is the hardest type of relationship because during those hours apart you begin to think about what the other is doing while you're separated. Doubt kicks in. Past baggage and everything else we tow along behind us when we step out into the world bumps into the backs of our knees. Never before have I thought about my own neurosis more than I do now. I trust "X". I don't trust anyone except a hand full of people I've encountered in my life. And the weird thing is, that's the problem. I have never trusted someone this fast. Ever. It bothers me that it doesn't bother me. X is still a mystery to me even though we've logged enough hours on the phone to make my cell phone weep. There are so many things in that brilliant brain of his that are hidden from me. I don't mind that he keeps the dark things hidden for I can never knock someone for self-preservation. But there are moments I fear what lurks in the secrets’ shadows. A constant question for me is the action/reaction theory. Does he do certain things as a reaction to what I say or do? Is it only a reaction and not something he wants? I don't want him to have to react all the time. Sure, there are some things I want but that doesn't mean he has to do them because I want to. Its bizarre, I know, to want him to want to do whatever I might be suggesting instead of it being just a reaction. I don't want reaction just nature flow from him. Is this spontaneity or craziness? (I sound like all those confusing women I used to make fun of. :S) The two of us are still somewhat a secret. Its odd because our relationship is hidden in some cases, but not in others. I wonder if he keeps us in the dark for protection, or for options, or why it even matters to me in the first place to want to shout it from the rooftops. Its the crap like this that makes me crazy! o_O That weird, jealous stuff shouldn't matter and most of the time it doesn't... until the Emotional Disaster Duo shows up for a visit. The bitch better known as Self-Doubt has been hanging around lately. She's been stalking me since I was a wee lass and is a severe pain in the tush. But she's like black mold - immune to everything but napalm. With nagging whispers in my ear, she reminds me of all the things I'd rather not think about. My love is one of those men where people gravitate to. X has the presence and charm and "nice guy" vibe that simply draws anything with a pulse. I, on the other hand, am one of those people who sees too much, too fast so people have a tendency to stand back. And, with Self-Doubt's kind help, I know all of my faults. I accept and embrace the worry-wart, not very pretty or slim, active imagination, uses sarcasm like chain-smokers inhale cigarettes mentality, but it still sucks to have them around. "He's everything a girl could want," she whispers in her nails-on-a-chalkboard voice. "Why would be want you?" This is a good question. Its something that dwells and festers inside me while my annoying neighbor, Paranoia, drops in to drink all my coffee and steal my newspaper. He likes to mention to me, as he flips through the Sport's section, all the possible things that could be going on while I sit at home alone. I love my guy with all of my heart. I would do anything for him if he asked it of me. But is my love strong enough to reach 2500 miles away? We've been together for several months now, and he wouldn’t blatantly cheat on me, but with such distance things could happen. One of my biggest fears is that he'll fall someone within arms reach. That our relationship will become a burden and not a source of happiness. That he will realize that life is more complicated being with me than without me, and some sane girl will come along and sweep him off his feet. Or even worse, it means nothing to him at all. *begins to ring thumbs* I never wanted to fall in love. I watched what it did to the people around me especially my mother. I watched, helpless, as it tore down the strongest person I have ever known until it almost killed her, body and soul. And with a broken heart, I have watched many people I have loved walk away from me without ever turning back. But now as my heart belongs to another I can only pray I will survive should he break it, for I know it will hurt a million times more than all the other combined. At the moment my life is a big mess - family stuff, health junk, school mishaps. The things I want war with the things that need to be done. Uncertainty surrounds me like a dark cloud. I'm normally a patient person, but having wait for answer to a question that forever burns in the back of my mind is suddenly daunting. Surprisingly though I have faith in this relationship especially in X. To take it a step further I have immense hope that all of this is weirdness on my part and the love will all work out. As I wade through the debris I doing my best to stay the course and keep moving forward. Preferably with a smile, holding my guy’s hand and Love, Faith, and Hope riding shotgun with big, goofy grins on their faces. Simply put, my newfound posse kicks the Emotional Disaster Duo’s butt. So, I dedicate this entry to Love, in all its many forms. Moreover, I recommend (not that anyone reads this) 1 Corinthians 13: 1-13 to all those who believe in the big L-O-V-E. If you’re not the religious type, try these great works from your WDC writers:
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