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 |  Acquired situational narcissism, hopelessly vague. It's like I have to do it. [finished.] |
This blog is completed. Well, as complete as it was going to be.
This isn't what it looks like. It's probably worse. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you're here, there's a good chance you already know me. There aren't a lot of people who will put themselves through this for no good reason. For those of you just tuning in: 25 female west Harlem (just off Broadway!  ) but headed for Jersey City!Anything you absorb you will ultimately secrete. It's inevitable. Most of us are original paintings, and it's a mystery as to what is learned and what is borrowed, what is stolen and what is born, what you came in with and what you found while you were here. ~ Tom Waits Life in the big city isn't all as good or as bad as it seems, but I feel such a wide range of emotion in a day that if I don't write some of it down I'm going to go fucking batshit sooner rather than later. I am at a point where I need somewhere to just talk about how I feel. I'm conflicted, I'm a complex creature, an original painting, and I need somewhere to put it all because it's not really up there with the sort of thing I want in "Invalid Item"  but still merits mention.I have to evaluate my feelings outside of the context of background and life and the lies we all tell ourselves because we have to tell them. This is just what I'm feeling and what I'm listening to, a piece of me in all my futility. This is me. This is the inside of my head. (Hey, you're the one reading this.) This is a place for peeling away the surface and letting out some of the uncontrollable emotions in a place where I feel safe baring myself. Pandora's Tupperware Collection, if you will. Open it up, you'll never be the same. The emotions are raw and often unexplained. I mean it when I say vague. If you email me and I think you reeeeeally need to know-- you'll know. I don't delete from this book and often I'll open up secret entries after the expiration date on them has passed, so who knows what you'll find in here... I used to write here at least once a day, unless there were extenuating circumstances, but please, I live in New York City with a laptop that has wireless enabled. Theoretically there are no excuses. Extenuating circumstances tend to be forgetfulness, drunkenness, and random emotional delirium and detritus getting in the way of accomplishing things. And they happen with increased and downright disturbing frequency, so holding myself to a daily entry is obvious folly. For those of you looking for a more substantial look at the hows and whys rather than just the what:
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| ...in with the new. I am closing Modus and have put up a new blog type thing here:
it's still empty, kind of like my new apartment. I do the official move-in tomorrow. scary being a grown up in this world, man. |
| 2009 is more or less done for me, packing is over but the moving continues of course. Christmas was pretty great for a while but dragged on way too long for us. I might write about it, I might not. I got a lot of things I needed though, Pete's family was really great about picking out things for me for the new place. I now have a cast-iron skillet, a KitchenAid handheld mixer, a collection of utensils and cooking tools, a spice rack (my fifteen-year-old self would be mollified at my excitement over a spice rack!--but it IS a really nice spice rack!) and a kitchen breakfast-nook table. still very overwhelmed by everything but wanted to give a quick shout-out to spidey  for being my awesome Secret Santa! :) |
| oh man, I am so, so stressed out, but it is starting to feel like it is coming together. I have heisted about 30 empty cardboard boxes from work, I have packed them full of my stuff, and I am in the process of taping them up and stacking them on my desk. The only problem is the crazy book and magazine collection. I think I might just wrap manageable bundles with twine and do it that way-- every box I've tried to fill with books or paper gets heavy really fast. I am moving into the netbook as well-- getting some writing done on a revision of Setynon. (yeah Jake, I know I have been putting it off, I'm sorry.  )Two days from now, I'm loading up a Uhaul with all of my possessions and moving into my new place. Scary how much I still need to do. |
| Pete got me a netbook for Christmas! and he couldn't bring himself to keep it from me til Christmas day. (awwwww) so yay, I have a netbook!  |
| I got the place! More to come in [mayo.] it's coming together, people. |
| I am trying not to be nervous right now, but I am nervous right now. In a good way of course. If I talk too much about it, my superstitious side believes it will not come to pass. I just have to be patient, and wait. |
| No time for pics yet, but Halloween was awesome, rain or otherwise. my shoes were the only problem. I am dropping nanowrimo again this year. With everything else going on this year just can't justify it. The good news is if all goes according to plan we are on schedule to move forward with the production I am working on-- I can't really say more than that just yet. Headed over to Pete's folks' place tomorrow for turkeyness. I have been eating small portions of poultry in preparation for the holidays because I am not going to let his mother act like I am not eating her cooking because she is a lousy cook. (the woman is a master of manipulation; the last time i visited she explained how she used to avoid eating her mother in law's cooking by going vegetarian for a few years-- until his older brother Matt pulled a royal whopper on the neighbor by claiming she wasn't feeding them: to be more correct, she wasnt feeding them hot dogs... but this sleight of hand did end the vegetarian days when the neighbors came knocking.) so hopefully I can eat a little turkey without offending her sensibilities or getting ill. Haven't had a serious episode yet, but the day after is usually pretty miserable. we'll see. |
| so much time and so little to do... NOT Halloween as usual is totally kicking my ass this year-- but this year we will have pictures! |
| Today wasn't terribly exciting all told. Watched the Jets game. What a waste! They really blew it today against the Bills. We went over to White Star and had dinner there and I had two beers with my sandwich. Mistake! I am drowsy as hell and we have the objective of staying up long enough to watch the first episode of Venture Brothers tonight. Argh! *toothpicks for eyelids* must...stay....aw................................ |
| still treading water. I bought myself a bike, finally. I need the exercise and I feel healthier already. I get more exercise hauling it around than I do riding it, I think  The bike itself is great-- a 1979 Schwinn Stingray. It's older than I am! It is a huge piece of nostalgia. An Americana bike, if you will. I get so many people that walk up to me and ask about it, or tell me about the one they had just like it when they were younger. I expect I will get a lot of that as I thoroughly plan to be riding it as often as possible this summer. *** I had thought about putting the money aside for a new apartment first, but I realized that if I keep putting off exercising I will end up *not* exercising and it'll take me just as long to save up for an apartment regardless. I am really frustrated by the internet situation in my apartment and I don't have any means to convey this frustration to my landlady. For some reason she can't get the wireless working and doesn't seem to have any other way of helping me. One of the many reasons I am hoping to move in the next 6 months. I am aiming to be settled and steady in a new place by sometime in February. *** so my manager got let-go-of on Friday morning. Things at work have been a hell of a lot calmer regardless of this. I would be willing to concede it could be "because of this." I really like Peggy, but her penchant for drama was just unbelievable. So we're going to be sorting out job whatnot over the next two weeks. Considering I haven't had a cost-of-living appraisal in 20 months... (I would bet the price of having a manager might actually weigh into this. We'll see.) *** So, in a nutshell: still stressed and hectic but not in a bad way, and I am forcing myself to do things that reduce the stressed part. *** edit: I can access facebook but not Writing.Com from my mobile phone. If I actually know who you are, I will add you to my facebook, so please feel free to message me or add me on there! It's the only means I have of keeping up with the internet. (If I don't at least have some idea who you are-- like have actually talked to you before-- I ignore the request... sorry! I'm weird like that.) |
| I swear I'm not dead. Not even resting, really. so much going on right now. I am posting from Pete's computer-- my laptop is having mechanical difficulties and I don't know if and or when I will be able to get back online from the laptop. I'm hoping to change that but not sure if and or when I can make that happen. back as soon as I can be. |
| So finally Pete and I are almost through the long haul that has been getting him caught up on Battlestar Galactica and my brain is pretty much trapped in that universe for the forseeable future. He still has to watch the last 2 episodes from season 4.0 and the episode from this week. And it is *killing* me. Haha. I have already spoiled so much shit for him already by accident because I forget which stuff happens in which episodes. I already let it fly that one major thing happened and a few minor plot fixers here and there. And today I watched the first episode from the final 10... and damnit why did I do that because now I have EVEN MORE SHIT I can't talk about yet!! DO NOT READ THIS POPNOTE IF YOU ARE A BATTLESTAR FAN WHO IS NOT CAUGHT UP TO DATE THANK YOU |
expect major art changes in:
and a few other places, like this blog, in time for the big switch to flat white #FFFFFF. Some of my sigs won't be salvaged, either. I do NOT want to put grey borders around most of them as they were designed to blend on the cream color layout. I will probably try to reinvent a few of them but some are just going to vanish, most likely. I needed the incentive to change it up anyway... |
| Well, things seem to be pretty normal right now-- I guess that's a good thing, right? I am totally falling behind in "Invalid Item" and I want to wrap that up before too long so I can focus my energy on reading entries for "Dear Me: Official WDC Contest" because there are already a ton of them and I've got to do a review for each! I'll finally break the 1000-reviews-given barrier again with that one I'm sure. I used to have well over a thou completed but with people leaving and cleaning their ports it fell back down to around 700ish a while ago. Finally it's creeping back up to an acceptable level.  I love reviewing but it is so labor intensive sometimes.Not too much crazy going on in the home front, but net's going to be sporadic again this week, I have a feeling, so if you don't see me, you'll know why. (This doesn't help on the reviewing front!) |
| Heinz Organic Tomato Ketchup is so fuckin amazing, guys, and does not have high fructose corn syrup in it. I'm starting to weed hfcs out of my diet and I will say that I really do feel better for it, so I think that was a smart move. I still drink seltzer but I get the kind that's flavored without any added sugar, so that cuts down on desire for carbonated corn syrup water. My resolution this year, though, is to ride the bus more. (Not to work out or go on a diet, because I know I will drive myself crazy....) I rarely ever ride the bus, and as a result I rarely see most of the amazing city I live in because I am constantly underground. On Christmas night I took the bus over to the movie theater, past the theater really, and walked, but really. I saw so much of this place that I forget is there. Not all of it good but not all of it bad either. I took my knitting and meditated on that for an hour while my bus driver, dressed in a Santa Claus outfit, waved into the constant flow of traffic. And I realized what I miss, every day, because I'm crammed into a sardine can below ground. I think Pete was a little disappointed I didn't go for the weight one this year. It sort of fits with my general goals, but in my experience any resolution about weight has to be more than just a resolution. I have let myself slide a little. Need to rein it in and get more exercise as well. My ankle has been bugging me because of the weather and I've really let that be more of a deterrent than it ought to be. I got myself new sneakers. Here's hoping they lead to some progress. Or at least get me oto the bus more often |
| ...to get caught up! I am soooo behind the eight ball this week, gang. Finally am all caught up in "The Dialogue 500" now, and trying to catch up in "Invalid Item" as I have been scrabbling about merely trying to stay online for more than a few moments at a time.I am also getting caught up on my etsy things, yay! http://jayxwolf.etsy.com (as if you were curious! haha) *** Finally met Pete's parents and older brother Matt this weekend. It's a short story but a cute one so I may get around to telling it over in mayo sometime this week. (Right. haha) Now to go completely nuts trying to get ready for our party on New Years Eve! (Cripes, it's practically HERE already! I have been planning in my head for months but getting things together in my head is entirely different from in reality... soooo much shopping to do, so much cooking to do, so much freaking-myself-out to do!...) |
| network is sporadic at best at home right now. trying to get some stuff done, and failing, mostly. Should be around a little this weekend, and guess that means I am going to "the office" on Monday just to be sure I am online to judge "The Writer's Cramp" on time and whatnot.I will be posting new topic and winners for "The Dialogue 500" on Monday, so a week late. How embarrassing! I hate it when I have to do that... but I have to. Work has been kicking my ass, and then I get home and have no net! Very frustrating. Goofy thing I found on etsy when I went on earlier to post another hat: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=17306237  |
| I haven't had a lot of energy for some things around here, moreso than others. This past month I've been participating loosely in FtL, and have taken the helm of
it is definitely challenging me to review more, and I'm pretty damned rusty. So I have also blown some of the dust off
Pete and I seem to be doing pretty well and Jesse will be out of town for New Years so our party ought to go off without a hitch! Yay! (Now I just need to plan a menu for that...!) |
| So Jesse was home most of this weekend and barely spoke two sentences to either of us. Pete said he figures that's the closest thing to an apology he'll get. Good enough for me. Despite the application of a minor amount of Resolve to Pete's living-room rug, the rug and the living room both still have the dank odor of dog piss in some spots. Whatever. Moving on. I teased Pete this weekend about how his parents still don't know I exist yet. hehe. He laughed and told me he'd tell them. He teased me back about how I tell my mother "everything" which I explained may be true to a point but on a technicality, seeing that the only reason I have much contact with her at all is due entirely to our mutual use of AIM instant messenger. I am looking forward to this week at work; Tuesday like normal, out at 3 on Wednesday, off Thursday for Thanksgiving, then back for what will surely be the slowest Friday and Saturday of the year for us (other than the ones following Christmas and New Years, whis will also be dead slow...) I also have something cool tomorrow on my day off but I refuse to jinx myself in here! |
| So Friday night I went out and partied with a client and a coworker after work, and ended up losing my wallet and what was left of my paycheck somewhere between 125th and 137th street on the 1 train. It had to have been my fault so I'm trying to be as zen about it as I can. Lately I get pretty comfortable with the transitory nature of things in my life. Not meant to have everything forever, right? But it's a significant setback and a huge annoyance, and I hate that part more than anything. Then, last night, Pete's roommate Jesse invited over a bunch of people to celebrate his dickbag brother's birthday and that was pretty much a solid straight up disaster. I used to have a pretty neutral opinion of Jesse, I mean he's kind of a dick, but he's never done anything particularly dickish to me before. I figured it might be an opportunity to get to know his friends a little better, but ...no, didn't work that way and now I'm pretty much in the "yeah, Jesse is a douchebag" camp. Which sucks, honestly. I can't imagine wanting to be such a waste of oxygen as he and his lousy friends are. This party started to get rowdy around... heh... 9:30 or so? There were only nine people there, and three of us were pretty low-key and not really into the whole rowdy part. Jesse was blasting shitty 80s and 90s pop music and the 3rd floor neighbors came up to ask for it to be turned down (several times over the course of the evening). Noise pollution is something I'm pretty sensitive to. I also take it pretty personally when someone does something, like continuing to make offensive levels of noise into the wee hours of the morning when they've been asked to knock it off by several people. It's just completely disrespectful, rude, and hedonistic. I just.... ugh. I can't keep talking about it, I'm going to continue to get angrier and angrier. No, no, need to talk about it to get it out of my system. Fuck this shit. They began loudly playing the Wii after Pete and I retired to his room for the third time that evening after having been dragged back out a few times by our own good-natured attempts to be friendly. Pete leaned out of the room several times during the night to ask people to chill out so we could sleep, progressively less and less kindly. At around 2 AM one of Jesse's cuntrag friends' girlfriend BANGED on our door and began screaming at us to HAVE A GOOD FUCKING NIGHT PETER!!!11one!! I was tempted to get out of bed and beat her senseless, but for the amount of time it would have taken to put clothing on and get out there it wasn't worth the effort to me. Not enough satisfaction and potential criminal charges were also deterrent. Jesse's brother brought his dog over, and his asshole friends gave it Red Bull and let it eat remnants of Silly String and god knows what else. And then began verbally berating it, loudly, at 2:30 in the morning when it pissed all over Pete's living room rug. Didn't do a whole hell of a lot to clean it up beyond spraying some air freshener though. They were up (still up or having woken up, not sure which) when we got up this morning. Ruined my typical morning plans because there was no fucking way I was going to cook in that kitchen, the way they left it. We ended up going out to breakfast, hoping to cool off a bit and hope that they'd get the hint that the party needed to be like, over already. Got home and Jesse & co. have taken off to parts unknown. And did not lift a single finger to pick up a single god damned thing before he took off. Great guy. |
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